What am I doing?

My loves!

I haven't blogged in a while, and I'm not quite sure why. We've been getting into a routine and making Montreux our home for a couple of weeks now. I think I keep saying we're working on getting settled because I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing. Not with the blog, not with Baby K, but more just with my life in general.

I'm a stay at home mom now. That is a little strange for me to write, and not something I thought would ever be part of who I am. These past couple of weeks have really been the first time that I've admitted this to myself and acknowledged this is what I'm doing right now in my life. Even now, when people ask me what I do, my response is usually that I'm a social worker. That may sound strange to some, but no other response has ever even crossed my mind. It's like I can't let that part of my identity go (nor do I plan to).

I'm struggling though. Even though I very much recognize we're so fortunate to be where we are right now, including me not working, I just don't think the not working part is for me.  I want to do something. And not that taking care of Baby K is not important work and doing something, but I think I need more.

Typically during the week I find myself trying to get into various social activities with other moms and expats in our area, just wanting to get out to meet and interact with other people in a similar situation. Those have been good, and I have met some new people, but most things are purely social. I've noticed this desire within myself to solve problems and make a difference somehow; maybe it's just the need I have to contribute to something bigger than myself, BK and Baby K. BK is becoming more and more relevant in his career and I know I also have a fear that I won't be relevant when we return to the US.

But of course, I'm assuming like most moms out there, I go back and forth. Do I really want someone else looking after Baby K so I can get a job or at least volunteer on a regular basis? What happens to the lifestyle we've led for the past year-and-a-half? Would we be able to travel as freely? Would Baby K and I still be able to go to the US for a month at a time, so we really have quality time there? Can I have it both ways?

I feel certain some of my frustration comes from feeling like I am hitting a wall getting answers about childcare and being able to volunteer my skills somewhere. People pretty much look at me like I'm crazy when I tell them that I want Baby K to be in creche two days a week. Not to mention that as a family unit with one parent not working, we fall to the very bottom of the priority list.

I'm not really sure how things will play out. BK and I have started the conversation about what we want things to look like, so hopefully we can figure out what works best for us as a family. It's the age old question of how to have time individually, as a couple and as a family too. How do you make it work?

Don't worry, I'm sure I'll share what's happening with us and how things are working out. Until the next time!