Question of the Month

One happy little girl!

January Question of the Month: In the daily ‘trying to fit a quart into a pint jug,’ what is the best advice you’ve ever received, or what words do you live by?

The best advice, and words that I live by, I received from my mom. That advice is: Make yourself happy first. Sounds simple right? I'm sure that some may view it as a bit selfish as well, wanting to put others first and whatnot. But for me, this has worked in life. The whole thought behind this advice is that you can't make anyone else happy if you're not happy yourself. And I don't mean you always have a smile on your face or are fake cheerful or something, but generally in life you have to be satisfied with your decisions and know and trust that they are the best for you and those around you.

Since I live by this advice examples are easy to come by. It stares me in the face every day as a mom. If I don't take time to do things for myself, away from Baby K, I start to get a little cranky. This may be a terrible thing to say, but I am a much better mother if I have some time away to do whatever it is that makes me feel like a person again- could be writing, French lessons, some sort of exercise, dinner with friends, time alone with BK- just something that refuels me and things that make me happy. People also often comment how happy Baby K is; I'm a firm believer she is this way because she has two parents who are generally happy people. She can sense it.

As a social worker, this one was easy. Our profession often talks about the importance of self-care, but is the worst about not practicing it. It's the same concept as above though. I cannot care for people in need if I'm in turmoil and not doing well mentally. As a social worker, if you hate your job and the people you work with, what good are you really going to do for people? I'm going to go ahead and guess not very much.

And of course in a relationship, I'm not sure how two unhappy people even begin to build a relationship on a solid foundation. If one person is not happy with their self, it is going to flow over into all aspects of the relationship, making one or both question actions, motives and generally bring in a lot of self-doubt on various levels. Ultimately you're still two individuals who have come into a partnership together, and if one of the partners is not happy, both will feel it.

Okay, so now that you've had my philosophical post for the month, there's only one thing to do...go out and be happy!

I don't think lucky is the right word...

So. Darn. Cute.

I can't tell you how often people comment to BK and I how lucky we are with Baby K. It could be that they think we're lucky because she's a really happy baby, she loves to be around other kids, she's a good traveler, she's a great eater, she slept 12 hours per night at 12 weeks (and for long periods even before that)...the list goes on and on.

So yes, moral of the story, she is a good baby. When Baby K first came along, BK would ask me quite regularly, "What percent good baby do you think she is, versus her routine?" My response was typically: "95 percent routine, 5 percent good baby." He never bought it, but I think he's continually coming around.

I also write this on a day/weekend where I feel like I constantly had to check in with my go-to parenting resources. What to do when our sweet little 18-month old is squealing when she doesn't get her way, or cries for 30 minutes after her nap because it wasn't quite long enough...

I mostly check in with these because I need to be reminded to take a breath. She's 18-months old, and we'll make it though the day regardless of how long the time from nap time to bed time feels. But I know she can feel my frustration, so I try hard to keep it in check.

So, I thought I would share my go-tos. Not that I'm an expert or anything, but people sometimes ask, so here they are.

Babyproofing Your Marriage
I think I'll start with this one because it's the first one I read, before Baby K was born. I can't even remember where I heard about it, but I think I read it because I was worried about what our new addition was going to do to our relationship after more than 10 years together. I still have days and weeks when I go back to this one on my iPad, mostly to say to myself, "LK, stop acting like a crazy person to BK and just tell him what you're thinking, or what's bothering you." And that things that feel like a huge deal at the moment really aren't that big of a thing in the end.

Moms on Call
My friend KC recommended these books to me, and I am forever grateful, as they have been a life saver. They are written by two pediatric nurses who have quite a few kids between them. When Baby K was born, I felt like the Swiss were telling me to just go with it, just do what she needs. Umm, I need a little more than that. I just can't. So, at three weeks I started using Moms on Call and haven't stopped yet.

The 0-6 Month book covers sleeping, feeding, schedules, and other basic care that new parents pretty much don't have a clue about.

The 6-15 Month book continues to cover sleeping and feeding (two really important things), moving to solids, a typical routine, and easing into that toddler stage.

The 15 Month to 4 Year book really gets into the nitty gritty of the toddler phase. It does still cover sleep (which I cannot imagine Baby K not sleeping through the night by this point), but also helps a lot with what to do with your cute kid who now is exercising her free will. The whining, tantrums, accidental behaviors, defiant behaviors, and lots of other stuff. I think I write the most about this one because we're in the midst of it now.

Love and Logic
In addition to Moms on Call, now that Baby K is a toddler, I felt like we needed a little more guidance in the area of discipline and kind of what we wanted to do with Baby K. I've known of Love and Logic for a while, but was reminded of it by one of BK's sisters. To put it simply, Love and Logic allows children to grow through their mistakes and learn from the consequences of their actions, ultimately teaching children to learn how to live in the real world. I like the immediate consequences part, as typically in life, someone is not going to warn you 17 times before something actually happens.

That's it- nothing too complicated. I'm not saying it will work for everyone, but these have been our go-to parenting resources. It's worked so far, but we're only 18-months in, so I'm sure we'll add more to our list, but this is what we've started with. Baby K has started nursery school now, so I'm sure we'll have more challenges coming our way, thanks to other kids. Hopefully the resources above will help guide us through and help us figure out what we're doing along the way.

What am I doing?

My loves!

I haven't blogged in a while, and I'm not quite sure why. We've been getting into a routine and making Montreux our home for a couple of weeks now. I think I keep saying we're working on getting settled because I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing. Not with the blog, not with Baby K, but more just with my life in general.

I'm a stay at home mom now. That is a little strange for me to write, and not something I thought would ever be part of who I am. These past couple of weeks have really been the first time that I've admitted this to myself and acknowledged this is what I'm doing right now in my life. Even now, when people ask me what I do, my response is usually that I'm a social worker. That may sound strange to some, but no other response has ever even crossed my mind. It's like I can't let that part of my identity go (nor do I plan to).

I'm struggling though. Even though I very much recognize we're so fortunate to be where we are right now, including me not working, I just don't think the not working part is for me.  I want to do something. And not that taking care of Baby K is not important work and doing something, but I think I need more.

Typically during the week I find myself trying to get into various social activities with other moms and expats in our area, just wanting to get out to meet and interact with other people in a similar situation. Those have been good, and I have met some new people, but most things are purely social. I've noticed this desire within myself to solve problems and make a difference somehow; maybe it's just the need I have to contribute to something bigger than myself, BK and Baby K. BK is becoming more and more relevant in his career and I know I also have a fear that I won't be relevant when we return to the US.

But of course, I'm assuming like most moms out there, I go back and forth. Do I really want someone else looking after Baby K so I can get a job or at least volunteer on a regular basis? What happens to the lifestyle we've led for the past year-and-a-half? Would we be able to travel as freely? Would Baby K and I still be able to go to the US for a month at a time, so we really have quality time there? Can I have it both ways?

I feel certain some of my frustration comes from feeling like I am hitting a wall getting answers about childcare and being able to volunteer my skills somewhere. People pretty much look at me like I'm crazy when I tell them that I want Baby K to be in creche two days a week. Not to mention that as a family unit with one parent not working, we fall to the very bottom of the priority list.

I'm not really sure how things will play out. BK and I have started the conversation about what we want things to look like, so hopefully we can figure out what works best for us as a family. It's the age old question of how to have time individually, as a couple and as a family too. How do you make it work?

Don't worry, I'm sure I'll share what's happening with us and how things are working out. Until the next time!

Some days she rules my world

I've had numerous family members mention to me that I need to keep up the blogging, that it makes us feel not quite so far away from everyone in Texas. So here it goes, a little about our day today.

Let's be honest here, Baby K rules my world every day- it's just that some days I actually feel like I'm the one in charge. Today was not one of those days. Looking back, I'm not really sure why, but this day felt like a real grinder. Numerous times I found myself thinking, "I really need to move finding a nursery school up my list." Does this make me a bad mom? No, just one who occasionally wants to do something besides carry a jet lagged and fussy Baby K around all day.

We get a little upset at the end of the day

Speaking of jet lag, Baby K is slowly but surely recovering from the time difference. Right now it seems like going from Switzerland to Texas was much easier than the other way around. She's been waking up twice a night after we put her to sleep at 7:30. Twice a night might not seem so bad, but she's been waking up zero times per night since she was eight weeks old, and I am so ready for that to make a reappearance!

Funny thing is, one of those times she wakes up is typically before BK and I even go to bed. Tonight she woke up a little after 8:00. You might think this is a good thing so that we (okay, me) don't have to get up in the middle of the night, but when she wakes up at this time she cries the entire time she's awake. She wants to get up and she is mad that we're not coming to get her!

The grandparents may not want to read this next line...we typically let her cry when she wakes up at this time. She wants to get up to play, but I want her to know that it's not play time; it's sleep time. I think I have this fear that she'll develop a habit of waking up and wanting to play at night. Note to Baby K...no can do.

I seemed to have skipped to the end of the day. The thing is, our day was fairly uneventful. We primarily stayed around the house, doing things to get settled in the house and back in the swing of things. I somehow managed to triple-task, ironing, pumping and sporadically nibbling on pizza for lunch. I'm also working on stitching some ribbons onto four play mats that BK bought for Baby K so we can make one huge play mat for her. It has taken me all week to do this, and somehow I still have five left to go.

The dogs think BK bought this for them...

On a different note, the dogs learned the joy of licking Baby K's hands and face when she eats. I'm telling myself that they are just helping build her immune system up. I don't let them lick long, as it does kind of gross me out, but she seems to find it funny too.

Baby K is happy to have the company

In the end, would I change anything? Probably not. But still, when you're going through it, these days can seem long. The thing is, when I look at this cute face, how can I be anything but in love, doing whatever it takes to give her anything and everything I can.

BK and Baby K during the last feeding

And when we end our days like this, I'm immediately reminded just how fortunate we are, how much love we're surrounded with and how tomorrow's always a new day for everyone.

**Note: I wrote this after my day on Thursday, but as I needed to sleep, do stuff, and take care of Baby K, I'm just finishing it.

A fierce love

Since having Baby K, and continuing to write on this blog, I've had times when I've had a hard time identifying how I would describe my love for Baby K. That may sound weird, but it's true. Now you may think to yourself, why would you even need to do that? It's not that I need to, per say, but I've just read lots of other mom blogs and heard lots of other moms talk about the love they have for their children, but I just couldn't quite pinpoint it for myself.

During our visit I've had numerous people ask me how I've taken to motherhood and how BK has taken to fatherhood. Generally people follow that question up with the fact that it looks like it's going well based on all of our traveling and other activities.

He's a natural

I'm quick to reply that I actually think that BK took to fatherhood much quicker than I took to motherhood. Of course I love her, but it was different for him. He was a natural and was immediately smitten. It was like his heart grew and you knew that was it for him. Even before she was born, he talked much more to her and loved on us a lot. 

Me on the other hand, it took me a minute, and it kind of felt like I had to grow into motherhood. I think after being pregnant for nine months, then in labor for 15 hours, the reality of our tiny human being finally being here takes a while to process. And with the fact that now this tiny, helpless person is relying on you for EVERYTHING, it's kind of a lot. But as Baby K and I have worked together figuring things out, we grow closer by the day. And something sparked for me on this trip; I finally figured out what my love is for Baby K: fierce. 

Figuring things out

Fierce. Some may perceive it as negative or mean, but it's the only word that fits for me. I can't think of anything else that would describe the way my love feels for her. I feel it in my entire being; it's all consuming. I would do anything to protect her; do anything to help make her dreams come true; do anything to help her figure out what makes her happy in life. But I think that's what happens when you become a mother, right? Maybe not for everyone, but for me.

So there are my thoughts for today. They've been rolling around inside my head since I figured this one out- just wanted to share.

By the way, this was my take on his story; if you want his side, you'll have to go to the source.

10 things I never thought I’d say (and probably be celebrating)

This is an article I recently wrote for an expat parent newsletter here in Basel- wanted to share.

Ah the joys of being a new parent…some days it’s relatively smooth sailing and others kind of feel like a slap in the face. As a new mom who is almost 12 weeks in, I’ve often found that I laugh about how different things are now from before our daughter, including saying things that I never thought I would hear come out of my mouth. Here are a few of my favorites- I’m sure some will sound familiar!

1. “It’s so weird that I grew a human.”  Birth is absolutely a miraculous event, but after we got home from the hospital and things calmed down a bit, I found myself pondering this quite often. I’m sure I first told my husband this thought on a walk along the river together. Before having our daughter, my thought was that you grow all kinds of other stuff- flowers, grass, height, and many others things. But a human? Crazy.
2. “Wake up babe, it’s 5:30 in the morning!” It’s very possible that I said this before becoming a parent, but in a completely different context. I have never put so much glee into a whispered statement to my husband early in the morning. For the first time, our daughter had slept from 9pm to 6am, and I woke up confused as to why I was still asleep. At the point when I realized she was actually still asleep, I felt the need to wake my husband up to share my excitement.
3. “Woo hoo! 200 mL!”  This may be a little too much information for people, but I never thought I would be celebrating how much breast milk I produce. When our daughter first arrived I was not making enough for her and we were supplementing with formula on a regular basis. It has felt like a huge milestone every time I’ve reached a significant number, especially if it’s more than I’ve ever done before. There are usually high fives involved as well.
4. “Come on, poop for mom.” Yes, this statement has come out of my mouth numerous times. I’m typically talking to our daughter in a sing-songy voice as we are getting ready to leave the house and go somewhere. It typically doesn’t coax anything out of her, but I can always hope. Recently she seems to have decided that the train is her ideal place, as every time we take one somewhere I am making numerous trips to the changing station.
5. “It’s a miracle…I cleaned our whole apartment in one day!” I seriously undervalued how easy it was to clean the apartment before our daughter arrived. Now it’s done in approximately four segments throughout the day, as I fit it in around her sleep schedule. I also underestimated how awesome I would feel once I finally accomplished this. It’s the only non-baby thing I got done that day, but it was done. Of course, I had to alert my husband of my accomplishment in a text that was shortly followed by:
6. “Now if I can get a shower in I’ll be golden.” I never thought I would have to figure out how to fit a shower into my day. Before our daughter was born I generally got up, showered and went about my day. Now it’s a whole new routine, and during nap time, I feel the need to jump into action on all the other seemingly more important things to do around the house. It hasn’t been all that bad though; there’s only been one day that I didn’t actually get a shower.
7. “I can’t believe I got all the laundry done!” This is obviously very similar to me getting our apartment cleaned, but it feels like a huge accomplishment when I get all of our laundry done in one day- including folding and being put away. People warned me about this one; I thought because we have a combo washer/dryer it would be easier. Not so much.
8. “Just wipe it off- it’s just a little spit up.” Since having our daughter, I’ve had to convince myself that spit up is not throw up, but it’s still technically her regurgitated food. I just didn’t realize how many of the shoulders of my shirts would be spotted with it. She doesn’t spit up a lot (amount or frequency), but I know at some point that shoulder will at least be drooled on again, so don’t bother changing shirts every time it happens.
9. “Oooohhh, that was a good burp.” Growing up in a household with all girls, we didn’t really do the whole gross bodily functions thing. But now with a child of my own, I realize that getting said bodily functions out actually make my life a lot more pleasant for the remainder of the time she is awake and that feeding time is not actually over until a good burp is had.
10. “Yes the brake is on.” My husband requested that I include this one. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times, specifically in relation to our stroller. I had an unfortunate event with the stroller before our daughter arrived, and long story short, the stroller ended up in the Rhein. We had hired a dog trainer to help get the dogs ready for our new arrival and she and I were out practicing walking with the stroller and dogs. We took a break from the stroller for a minute to practice something else, and unfortunately I forgot to put the brake on…next thing I know, our stroller is in the river. So, yes the brake is always on.

Does this thing float?

Today was our last day with the trainer, and boy was it an exciting one! No, I didn't go into labor or anything, but we had some serious excitement out on the river.

First thing when the trainer got here, we headed out to the river to work with the stroller and do some recall work as well. To change things up we walked toward the city and stopped just after the nearest bridge. I "parked" the stroller so it was just out of the way so that we could work with the dogs without the stroller for a few minutes.

Next thing I know, the stroller is rolling down the embankment and into the river!

This wasn't today, but you get the idea

Luckily right now the river is really low, so the stroller caught on some rocks and stopped just after going into the water, and landed wheels down, so it didn't even get that wet. It also seems that it is very durable, since it survived and works just like it did before- virtually no harm done. I'm not sure what I would have done if I had to call BK and inform him that our stroller floated down river and now we needed to get a new one. Yikes!

The dogs were a little excited, and I felt really bad that the trainer had to get her foot wet to pull it out, but in the end all was okay. There aren't many people out on this cloudy day, but one guy did come up to us extremely concerned that there was in fact a baby in the stroller. The trainer reassured him that we were, thankfully, just practicing with the dogs.

I figure, let's look on the positive side. At least this happened before Baby K came along; no harm done to the stroller; and many lessons learned on dealing with the dogs and stroller…the main one being, don't forget to make sure the brake is on really good!

The pups are wiped out after all the excitement and continuing our training inside for the remainder of the hour. Let's hope for a day with a little less excitement tomorrow!

Is the American way the right way?

Now that I've finished my assigned dog book, I've moved onto parenting books. I decided I should save these for the third trimester so I might actually remember something when Baby K comes along, and I figured without so much travel I would probably have a little more time. I was right, but I didn't realize how much I would enjoy this first one: Bringing Up Bebe.

I probably found it most interesting because by living outside of the US I've already experienced many cultural differences myself living in Switzerland- both in regard to raising children and in relation to our life in general. This particular book looks at what has become the "American" way of motherhood and raising children and compares them to how the French do things. Living here, BK and I have obviously had other American ways challenged, including the one I posted about the other day, the fact that it's so much easier to be healthy here and that making everything ultra convenient, around-the-clock, and placing a high value on business are not necessarily a good thing.

Even though Baby K was a shock to everyone else, BK and I had discussed many things about having a family at length amongst ourselves. Before it happened, we talked a lot about what we would be most excited about and what were we feared the most. We do still have those conversations, but have also now started discussing what type of parents we think we want to be, how we'll handle discipline, how our relationship will change, expectations of one another, and lots of other stuff.

Many people say, "LK, you can't know those things until your child comes along, then you will figure out how to do things- it depends on the child." Umm, for me that's just not enough. I feel like our life will be all willy nilly and crazy, which neither of us function very well within. Maybe it's weird of me to plan to do things keeping in mind the way that BK and I function best, but we're the ones who will make the family run, so it makes sense to me. Also, after nearly nine years of marriage I'm not sure that we know what else to do.

Going back to the book, one of the funny things that I found was that about 2/3 of the way through I realized that I think this how my parents parented. Maybe that's why I found myself nodding all the way through, like this doesn't seem so foreign to me after all.

A couple of my favorite tidbits include:

• Could it be that making children delay gratification actually makes them calmer and more resilient? Having kids who can wait makes family life more pleasant.
• Kids learning to play by themselves is important- it helps them learn to be happy by themselves.
• Teaching your kids frustration is not a bad thing. A child must learn from a very young age that he's not alone in the world, and that there's a time for everything.
• She's (a mom) always been very clear on what was okay and what wasn't. She managed to be both affectionate and have authority without ever raising her voice.
• If every misbehavior is treated as equal, how will they know what's important?
• The couple is the most important. It's only thing that you chose in your life. Your children, you didn't chose. You chose your husband; you're going to make your life with him, so you have an interest in it going well. Your children will eventually leave and it will be back to the couple.

Like I said, these were just a few, and I highlighted tons of stuff so that BK could read up on my notes. One of the biggest things that I was taught early on and carried with me throughout life is to make myself happy before I ever try to make anyone else happy. I think I'll carry this with me through parenthood, knowing that I'll be a much better parent if I'm able to fulfill other areas of my life as well- husband, career, friends, baking, running, traveling, time by myself…just to name a few.

Do I think this is the "right" way? I'm not sure, but I think people should do what works for them and BK and I will make a go at it the way we think works for us too.